Dating by induction
When I was just starting my attempts at dating in my twenties, I encountered an unexpected obstacle: I had no idea what dates are and how they work
I.
One common experience shared by us non-Americans would be seeing a game of baseball on the TV screen and having no clue what’s the point of it is. For me, it looked something like this: the guy with the ball throws it towards the guy with a glove, the guy with a bat sends the ball up into the sky, and then someone is running around trying to touch all the bases on the ground. All of the actions are clear, but the overall structure of the game – the set of rules by which winners win and losers lose – is not easy to grasp from seeing just those snippets. To be completely honest, I still don't really understand baseball. (For Americans: please imagine I’m talking about cricket instead)
Shortly after I started university, I realized I felt the same way about dating, never having been on a date myself. Well, sure, I watched enough movies as a kid and I knew what kinds of things occur on a date: a couple is getting drinks together, they are lying on the grass pointing at stars, a kiss occurs at some point and there’s an eventual fade to black. But how these moments connected was about as clear to me as the rules of baseball – meaning, not at all.
Before I expand on the connective tissue of dating, I have a necessary disclaimer. It would be great if there were an intuitive framework for the way dates are structured, using terms everyone is familiar with and chill about. But since our only options here seem to be baseball or PUA jargon, I kind of have to take the “Write what you know” option and borrow some terms from pharma R&D pipeline. I realize the word choice here might make my perspective come off as clinical or reductive, but hopefully this kind of bare-bones structure will serve as a helpful scaffold that each of us can decorate with personal meaningful experiences.
With this said, let me try to gesture at a mental model of dating that I find myself using today, both to describe my own dating life and when talking to people who are in the same spot where I once was.
II.
One helpful tool for building mental frameworks is backwards induction: start with a desired outcome, then figure out what step would have to precede it. Then iterate on this preceding step: take it and figure out what step would have to precede it in turn.
Which outcome of a date do we pick as desired here? Obviously, this is highly personal – everyone has a different idea of a perfect date. If your ideal first date is the one where you both walk, talk, and then go separate ways, there’s nothing wrong with that. But to keep things simple and easily defined with a clear bright line, I will assume that the ideal outcome is making out with your date. Simply put, if someone's date ends with a passionate kissing session, it's hard to call it an unfulfilling ending.
By using backwards induction, we can arrange all events preceding the desired outcome into a “pipeline” that leads to the grand finale. Someone who’s not satisfied with their dating life, by that logic, will often find themselves facing a bottleneck at one of the phases of this pipeline.
A note on terminology: Two terms that I find myself using frequently when talking about dates are appeal and logistics. These refer to two different types of things that occupy my attention when I make an effort to turn the date a successful one.
Appeal refers to considering the emotional reaction that I will provoke in my date. What impression do my clothes make? Am I a pleasant conversation partner? Becoming more appealing means putting more effort into fashion, hygiene, and tone of the conversation. As a rule of thumb, thinking about appeal helps me figure out what to do and how to do it.
Logistics refers to the nitty-gritty details of a date I have to think about to make sure it goes without a hitch. When should we meet? Where should I kiss her? Improving date logistics means putting more effort into arranging the bookings and planning the transportation. As a rule of thumb, thinking about logistics helps me figure out when to do something and where to do it.
III.
What follows is a list of “steps” I find myself passing in the course of a date, with a description of how it feels to be stuck in a bottleneck on a certain step, and some improvements I made to get over the hurdle.
Step 1. Me and my future match have to become aware of each other's existence.
What the bottleneck feels like:
I don't get a chance to meet potential partners
I spend months by myself without meeting new people
There are no attractive people in my social circle
How I deal with it:
Get in locations where there's a possibility of talking with strangers
Take up new activities which allow me to meet new people
Get on dating apps
Use premium features
Also known as "getting yourself out there" (ugh). Logistics are important in this step, since there are a lot of ways to meet new people, but only few of them are efficient. I have to choose, whether to enroll into a class with a dozen of women or spend the same amount of time scrolling through thousands of potential matches.
Since the majority of my partners have been introduced to me by dating apps, I'll take matching on Tinder as a setup for the further breakdown. Logistics comes to help here in the form of premium features many of the apps have – I can sort the feed by newcomers first, send superlikes to tourists to get noticed ahead of other users, and figure out the best time of the day to bump up my profile. However in my experience paying for online dating is not necessary: if your photos and description are appealing, everything should work smoothly.
So by the end of this step, my dating profile is shown to the potential match, and now she has to decide whether to swipe right on it.
Step 2. My match and I have to initiate the contact with each other
On dating apps this takes the form of swiping right on my profile or responding to my first message.
What the bottleneck feels like:
I swipe a lot but don't get any matches
I send a lot of messages but don't get any responses
How I deal with it:
improve my profile description
improve my opener message
This is a short but an extremely important step in online dating, and countless articles were written about how to optimize it. Having an appealing profile is extremely important here. Luckily from my experience, the majority of men I saw on my female friends' apps don't seem to put any sort of effort into their profile, which means I can elevate myself with a bare minimum of work.
As this step ends, the chat window pops up and the dialogue begins.
Step 3. My match and I get to know each other
What the bottleneck feels like:
I start texting but get ghosted
I get a clear rejection during texting
How I deal with it:
figure out the texting etiquette
read examples of texting before the successful date
practice texting with foreigners
mirror the texting style of my match
This is still peak appeal territory, but it shifts from a static public profile page to interacting with my current match: how good am I specifically to her? Here I can be dynamic and change my approach depending on who I match with.
Depending on logistics, this period can last from a couple of minutes to months, though it's never wise to let it continue longer than necessary. By the time I got her added on a messaging app, it's time to think about asking her on a date.
Step 4. My match and I have to arrange a date
What the bottleneck feels like:
I text with my matches but it doesn't go anywhere
I ask my matches on a date but they refuse
How I deal with it:
ask for a date in a timely and appropriate manner
find a good place and time for a date
Appeal and logistics are about equally important here. Not all women install a dating app with the intent to meet their match in the physical world, but they might change their plans if they encounter someone who sparked their interest. At the same time, I need to put thought into good places and activities for dating, looking up stuff in advance if needed. Timing is also important here: I usually try to ask my match for a date after a couple of initial messages on the same or the next day, but longer periods may work too.
As our arranged time has arrived, I find a visible spot and wait for her to approach me.
Step 5. I have to escalate physical intimacy while on a date
What the bottleneck feels like:
I go on a date but we don't kiss
I try to be intimate but get rejected
How I deal with it:
meet up with more attractive people
put more attention into what I wear
improve my hygiene
find better locations for a date
recognize a good moment to kiss
Many of my first dates stalled when I arrived for the date, we talked a bit, maybe ate something, and then I had no idea what to do next. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to realize that if my date and I find each other attractive, kissing is often on the table and might be even expected. However, doing it right requires you to consider not just appeal (setting up the mood, matching her energy) but also logistics (picking the right spot and moment).
Consider, for example, that sitting face-to-face in the restaurant doesn’t let you snuggle up to each other, while sitting side by side on a couch in a café is perfect for this. Many people also differ in how fast they prefer to escalate intimacy – some need a lot of hand-holding and cuddling before they are comfortable with a kiss, and some are down to kiss within fifteen minutes of meeting.
So finally, I'm embracing my date in a secluded location, and we kiss. What next?
Step 6. I have to find a private spot
What the bottleneck feels like:
we kiss outside but there's no place indoors we could go to
I ask her to come to my place but she can't make it
How I deal with it:
make sure my apartment is decently clean
book a hotel room
get a taxi ride if the public transport takes too long to get to the place
be considerate of my date’s time constraints
Asking "Let's move to a more comfortable place?" after a kiss is often a good way to suggest relocating to a more private location. Logistics come up one last time to help us out here: ideally the spot of choice is private, clean, easy to get to and not exposed to elements. Time-wise, late evenings help provide the romantic atmosphere that the midday sun can’t - I make sure to ask my date she’s not in a hurry to get home.
If neither of our places works, it can help to have a quick backup plan. Booking a hotel room on the spot was something I occasionally did back when I was living with my parents. It’s worth it to install your local hotel app and add some decent places to the favorites list ahead of time.
Here we finally arrive at the end of our pipeline: making out with an attractive person in a private spot. From here, the future can branch out in many different ways, depending on your long-term priorities, so I’ll leave us here - having a reliable way to kiss attractive people is a great starting point to reach just about any conceivable long-term dating goal.
Is this entire framing unnecessarily clinical and reductive? Perhaps. But in my personal experience, this kind of structure helps me stay proactive and focused on a date. Hopefully you’ll find this pipeline more understandable than I find baseball.